Pet Grief and the Story of Edie
One of the unique elements of the growth of online counselling from home is that we get a deeper glimpse into each other's lives. That goes both ways and as a therapist seeking to show up in an authentic connection, it brings levity to have a cat wander across the screen demanding attention. Over the past four years, many people have met Edie (pronounced E-dee), my tuxedo sweetheart, and I was happy to share her gentle, sometimes assertive presence.
Sharing means we share the ups and sometimes the difficult parts that connect us to being human. Pet grief is real and deep, and we all have different relationships with the animals cohabitating. Pet grief can also be misunderstood, with social shame about intense or prolonged grieving and open mourning of fuzzy loved ones. I am sharing the story of Edie and the impact of my own grief in the hopes that other people feel less alone in their grief and mourning.
A black and white tuxedo cat laying on her back stretches her paw to touch the finger of one of her humans
Losing a beloved pet
Earlier this year, we found out that Edie had an aggressive cancer, and in May, we said goodbye. We shared many different homes over 12 years of companionship. She was there for me during years of late-night school work, always sitting on my books and papers, and finally sat in many therapy hours - keeping all the confidentiality! For several years, Edie was the light of a big community household, and so there were many people to share in the grief and to come and say goodbye. At the same time, I felt very alone and that no one could understand how much I was hurting. Edie's death crept into spaces regardless of how much I thought I was compartmentalizing. I would come home and cry, falling asleep early. I could swear I heard her padding around on the floor for weeks after.
With so many things to grieve in the world, there were times when I thought I shouldn't be feeling this way for a pet when there is so much suffering happening (read: ongoing genocide). But I also remember witnessing families forcibly and violently moved, taking with them a beloved pet as a cherished member of the family. For many people, honouring the impact of pets on people's lives may be part of the process. We benefit more from holding compassion for loss and reducing shame.
How long does pet grief last?
Our love for our pets runs deep, and losing a beloved companion can be excruciating. We often long for a time when the pain will ease, the tears will be less frequent, and breathing will feel less like a struggle. It makes sense to feel this way. Even as I write this blog, there are moments when I find myself pausing to let the tears flow, to hold onto the love I still have for Edie and the comfort that she brought me and many others. There is no perfect timeline and many ways to understand your grief process. Socio-cultural influences, religion, environment and other things shape our relationships to death, grief and mourning. Give yourself the space and compassion that you deserve in your process.
Different models of grief
The most familiar framework is probably the Kübler-Ross stages of grief, which involve denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The idea is that we move through these stages, not necessarily linearly, although the stages model implies this. But did you know that there are other ways to conceptualize grief?
The Dual process model of grief is a different one that proposes that we move between the dual stressors states of loss-orientation and restoration-orientation. Loss orientation is when we confront the reality of the loss and its implications, while restoration orientation focuses on coping strategies, adapting to new circumstances and rebuilding our lives. The key aspect of this model is that people will oscillate between these two states, each representing a particular stressor in the grieving process. This can be a helpful model of grief as it includes distraction as part of coping and reduces the stigma that we also need space to zone out and marathon Below Deck. I would argue that both orientations are coping strategies.
Tonkin (1996) offers another perspective on grief in Growing Around Grief. This concept sees grief as something that does not get smaller, shrinking as time goes by, but that our lives get bigger around it, creating more space to hold the grief and the continuation of life after loss. It offers a simple image of how life continues so we don't have to fear forgetting or pathologizing the continued presence of grief. In this perspective, the continued presence of grief does not mean that there is something wrong with us, and we continue to grow alongside the grief.
An image of three blue circles of varying size within each one is a pink circle of the same size. Text on the image reads Growing Around Grief.
These different concepts of grief are just a few other ways to understand your process. Most important is that your grief deserves to be held with care and compassion. Finding spaces and rituals that support that care and continued space for grief can be a part of the process.
"Grief Theory 101: Dual Process of Grief", What's your grief, September 23, 2014. https://whatsyourgrief.com/dual-process-model-of-grief
"Growing Around Grief", What's your grief, June 7, 2021. https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
